Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Our Hotels, The Families, My Village [Adoption Series Pt 4]

We stayed in three different hotels in China. In Beijing we only stayed in our hotel for two nights, and since we stayed there for so little time I don't think I even have a picture. What was significant was meeting the other families from our agency. My friend Laury, who introduced us to CHI, commented before we left that it is not uncommon for families to get close during their time together. Here is what was so neat for us. There were four families together from our agency. The families split in pairs to two different regions to meet our children and then came back together in Guangzhou. In Xi'an we met two other families who shared our Xi'an experience and the same hotel. One family walked through the whole time with us.

Neat is not a strong enough word. It was all such a blessing. I met some amazing people. AMAZING families. Beautiful families. I often send off my students with the phrase "Be amazing." because there is a choice to be made to go beyond ordinary. I met and saw so many people being amazing. People adopting their second or third child from China, giving kids with an array of special needs a forever home.

Our Xi'an hotel room

The opposite view and me on the bed jet-laggin'
Our hotel in Xi'an was very fancy looking. However, it sometimes had a smell of sewage and/or backed up plumbing. Bummer. On the plus side, we were put on the same floor as two families, one from our agency and one from another. This was great because we could have play dates in the hallway. I cherished those times. It gave us the opportunity to share our experiences. For me, I needed to hear other's joys, struggles and progress. I also enjoyed just laughing. Amy brought her whole family to adopt a second child from Xi'an. Her family is a hoot. And just precious. I have occasionally called my son, Chicken, and I have Amy to thank for it. Spending time with the families, with my new family member, was a great support. When the ladies went to the baby store and to the department store it was an adventure. We enjoyed different restaurants together. One of the families spoke Chinese, and we got the opportunity to experience a local hot pot/bbq meal that I would have missed without them. I laughed hard during a stressful time, and it was good for me.

The Xi'an families
When we got to Guangzhou we had to say goodbye to the families from the other agency in Xi'an as they were in another hotel. We did see them on different occasions like the boat tour and at the consulate. Another blessing. The Garden Hotel was amazing. I have used the word 'opulent'. We didn't take a panoramic of our room but the lobby took my breath away. Our room was huge. A couple of the families got rooms that were actually apartments. Huger huge.I am thankful that we could use their washer-drier to do our laundry. Nothing dried in Xi'an, and we were living on the edge. It was so nice to see the other families again and share our stories. And we all had stories. Then we got to share our time in Guangzhou together to build more stories. We went on outings, to restaurants and shopping with some or all of the other families. The Malaysian restaurant was fantastic and by the third time our family went, it was like Cheers when we came in.

The CHI families in the hotel lobby
The other awe inspiring thing was that most of the other families in our hotel in Guangzhou were adopting children, many with special needs, so breakfast in the hotel was a beautiful rainbows of families. People, it brought such joy to my heart to see, like almost to tears when I looked around the room, and that room was big. As the week went on the number of adoptive families dwindled, but it was still marvelous to see all the families. We got used to seeing certain families, asking how they were doing and sharing our stories. We were one of the last families to leave, and the last morning for breakfast there were only three adopting families a breakfast.

Clinic craziness
One other event I want to note was the medical checkup morning. Apparently there were 90 children being adopted to the US that week. All those children needed to have their medical clearance before they could get their visas. Saturday morning is check-up day for all the kids at the clinic. Children over two had to get TB tests. Every child had to get a general physical in accordance with their paperwork, vitals, passport photos and ear/nose/throat. That place was a madhouse. A madhouse. There was a lot of hurry up and wait. It was a great opportunity to chat with other families with a lot of background noise, mainly crying. At one point I looked around, and I got choked up. There were children with so many special needs - missing appendages, Down's Syndrome, wheel chair bound, older children, facial issues, and more. And they were all getting ready to go home. Home. Families were opening up their heart and sharing their lives. It was BEAUTIFUL. I get why people go back to adopt again. There is such a need. A huge need. From an institution to a family. Beyond surviving to flourishing. To thriving.
At the zoo. Our last day all together. 
To all the families we met, have a memorable wonderful first Thanksgiving together.

A Flashy Crafty Headwarming Giveaway

It's that time of year again. The time when the sun goes down at 4:30 pm, and I'll probably be running in the dark and cold until March. Thankfully, I am running again, but I am doing other things to round out my muscles. I think my physical therapist was fantastic, but I don't want to see him again if I can avoid it. Tomorrow is my longest race this year, and my first race in a long time, the Mayor's Turkey Day Run 10k in Kenosha. More on this later (as well as finishing up my adoption series). Much to do.

Back to topic at hand. There's a guy running in my neighborhood that scares me when I drive because I can BARELY see him until I am practically on top of him. I've 'seen' him twice. He wears red, black and NO reflective gear. Good for you for running, but don't be stupid. It is dark out there.

When trolling through the yarn area at the store the other day, I was so excited to find that Red Heart makes a reflective yarn. And in lots of colors. So excited.

Look at all the colors and possibilities.
Check out how cool they are. With the flash on they reflect everywhere. There was a pattern on the package so I bought the same colors and made a couple of headbands.

No flash. I swear by those pocket guides.

Will the flash on. Super cool!
You may wonder when I have time to be so crafty. My answer is in two parts. These are fast to make, and I don't sit still well. I never thought I would be a crocheter or a knitter. My mom was and I didn't understand. Now I do. It's rhythmic, it can keep me awake when the day is long, and it keeps my hands busy. I don't make big or involved things, but I do have a sense of accomplishment in a short time. It is rather mindless. Considering I feel like I get nothing else done, it helps.

Blue trim.

Purple trim. 

Flash on! Look at Me!
In the spirit of Thanksgiving and giving in general, I am doing a little giveaway. The winner will get to pick two colors, and I will make them two headbands, one in each color trim. One is to keep and one to give. In order to enter, leave a comment on the colors you would choose, who you would give the other headband to and follow the blog if you haven't already. The giveaway will end on  midnight Sunday 11/30, and a winner will be picked using a random number generator on Monday (Remember, the headbands are handmade so they are not perfect, unless perfect means flashy and cozy. I have worn mine around the house.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Getting to Know You - Daily Gains and Losses [Adoption Series Pt 3]

When we show people pictures of our son, they are often taken aback because of his fair complexion. He has albinism. Albino is the more familiar term, but it can have a negative connotation so I hesitate in using it. We weren't sure when we met him if he would have red eyes and white hair, which is not uncommon with albinism. In fact, he has blue eyes and light red/blond hair. He actually looks like he fits in with our family.

Albinism affects vision, skin sensitivity and vary rarely can be associated with a bleeding and neurological disorder. We were not sure what to expect when we met him because there is very little on his medical report. It did say that he was afraid of light (which he is). The condition is called photophobia. It's like being woken up by a bright light and not being able to relax your eyes. It hurts. Poor depth perception, nsytagmus (involuntary wiggling of the eyes) and lower resolution vision are some of the vision issues related to albinism.

This post comes off a bit clinical. I'm sorry for that. My mind works analytically and loves observation. You may not see in my observations the emotional roller coaster, the emotional weariness and the grief of letting expectations go. A friend said when she met our son that he was surprisingly average. I take that as a huge complement because it shows how far he's come.

When we met our son, he was stressed and nervous. His nystagmus was in overdrive. The first day he self soothed with his shirt on his imaginary soul patch and his eyes danced eerily. Because of his poor depth perception and lack of vision resolution he had to be dependent on his caregiver and he played with toys very close to his face. He held the toys we brought very close, curving his neck and back to see more clearly. Consequently, we don't think he walked much. He stood up for us on the second day and walked a few steps before throwing himself into our arms, but he was unsteady on his feet. He had a squishy belly and squishy thighs. Since his calves were super strong, we suspected he scooched on his bottom and kicked like a champ.

While other children were running around and enjoying their new freedom, our son sat and played quietly. It worried me. When our son cried, he cried a close mouth cry except when he had a full out tantrum, and then he would flail so much that we tried to keep him from hurting himself. We suspect that the children could have those tantrums in their cribs and not be injured as they would have been on our hotel marble floor. That first night, I confessed to my husband, "He's so broken." My husband replied, "He's who God chose for us." I had to let go of all my expectations and get to know our son right where he was. I had to cheer at every gain and not be discouraged by the losses.

His nystagmus his calmed down so much. Now, I rarely see it. He's got to be tired or stressed out. He still self-soothes on everything he can find that is soft and cuddly. I made him a blanket out of the softest yarn I could find. He's attached to it well, and it signals naps and nighttime. We all walked him down the hall of the hotel holding his hand for long stretches of time. He would walk and walk and walk. He never walked independently in our first hotel room. In our second hotel, he walked cautiously around the room. It filled me with joy. He's still unsure on slopes, grass or uneven ground, but he is making strides. I see them as huge gains, but to the outside eye may not even notice. He's smart, determined and a quick learner. He is almost running now, but only where he knows the terrain. He doesn't play on playground equipment, yet.

He has lots of eating issues. When our son eats, he makes a sound like "yumm" but the "um" doesn't stop. It started out endearing but it became stressful. The noise would go on for the duration of the meal. Baby signs and food security has made meals more manageable. He has transitioned from a bottle to sippy. He didn't eat solid food when we met him. His tongue still got in the way and he didn't know what to do with his bottom lip. He didn't open his hands to put hand held food into his mouth. He didn't use his thump effectively. Now, he'll try to feed himself with a spoon. The dog loves it. Huge strides in a short time.

I could go on and on about how he is overcoming delays. Two things I want to note. When we were at a meal in Xi'an our guide Sherry encouraged me by saying that some kids in the orphanage get attention because they are loud and demand it. She said that other kids are quiet and since they play by themselves they don't get as much attention, but they still need it. "Don't worry," she said, "He'll be fine." She was right. Our son has attached remarkably well. The psychologist at our adoption intake evaluation made a statement that has stuck with me. "Somebody at the orphanage loved him." They did, and we do too.

Everyday we make gains. I can't imagine where we will be in a year. I look forward to it.

Photo Drop Time!
Our guides, Sally and Sherry, in Xi'an

In the new section of Guangzhou

My favorite cling-on before the river cruise

Making it legit and getting a visa

At our hotel in Guangzhou and pretty happy about it

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Schedule? What Schedule? [Adoption Series Pt 2]

There were some parts about our adoption process that made my heart race and tears well up in my eyes. There were other parts that lacked the luster I expected them to have. When we met our son it was fairly unceremonious. The room was an office with a desk on one side and a conference table on the other. It was poorly lit with whitish tile. I was nervous. Our guides told us to come up with questions for our child's nannies who would be dropping off our son. The orphanage was a two hour drive from the office. I am sure it was the second car trip my son had taken. The first was to the orphanage from the place he was left, and the second was to this office. There were six families meeting children in this office, from more than one orphanage, at the same time.

I made my list of questions. What does he like to do? To eat? What time does he get up? Go to bed? Please, tell me all about him. I'll be honest. Asking through the translator was difficult. Lots of people were talking all at once in an enclosed space about the size of our family room. The nannies told us his schedule. Eventually, after all the questions, our translator wrote down the schedule for us, and then the nannies left. We were one of the last families to leave the room and go back to our hotel room just a few levels below.

My son didn't cry, but he was nervous. We were nervous too. He clung to an apple slice in his hand that had been slightly gnawed on. My husband removed it from his hand when he fell asleep for the night. My husband also went out to get baby food and apples for him. (Yesterday, was the first time I saw my son eat raw apple. We ended up giving the apples we bought to our guide.) We made it through the first night, but we felt over our heads.

It rained in Xi'an for almost the whole week. It felt like Seattle in the Fall. Xi'an happens to be the home of the Terracotta Warriors as well as having one of the oldest and most intact City Walls in the world. Both of them were fascinating. It was important to see the local sights and to be able to share them with our son. Due to the rain, we had our day of rest and then two days of sightseeing after a paperwork day rather than jumping right into sightseeing. That was good. Either way the days were packed.

Having the nannies write down our son's schedule was futile. He had lived a scheduled life in the orphanage, and we blew his schedule completely. We fed him different foods. Most of the children were food insecure. They ate almost everything and anything. Crinkled packaging elicited a response often desperate. Wake up times, napping, regular meals - gone. Travel in buses to new locations. We brought a stroller around the world only to find, our son didn't want to be put down. Poor kid.

Looking back, our son went from the orphanage to two different hotels before coming home and any hopes of reestablishing a schedule. We took him all over the countryside at a variety of times, we fed him a variety of foods, and we gave him naps whenever. We messed up the world he knew. We didn't even speak the same language. The only constant in the two weeks of travel until we got home was us. I am thankful he learned to trust us.So thankful. I can't even imagine how hard it was for him to go from the normal and routine of his first year and a half to what we introduced him to. We learned a lot about him and he of us, but it was hard.

Photo Drop...

The last full night in a crib until we came home.
The next night he woke up screaming and then he co-slept.
Carrying him up the Xi'an City Wall steps. Our arms hurt, often.
The City Wall was beautiful,
 and I wanted to go back to walk/run/ride the 8+ miles all the way around it.
Wild Goose Pagoda Fountain Park
At a Terracotta Warrior Replica Factory
The Terracotta Warriors Pit 1: Amazing. Wow.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

My name is Mom, and I have jet lag [Adoption Series Pt 1]

Adoption is a crazy long paperwork trail attached to the beginning of a long relationship with a child. This is a series on how it was for us at the end of the paperwork and meeting our son. I need to qualify and say that I can only speak for myself. My experience may be a little different than my husband or my daughter who went too. Our experience is definitely different from other people's experiences. Now that I've had a little time to process and to sleep I am able to see a little more objectively. People have asked how our trip was. That's a hard question to answer. It can't be answered simply. It was sweet. It was hard. It was a whirlwind.

Since the first week of October is a national holiday in China and the third week is a sales convention in Guangzhou where the only US consulate in China issuing visas is located, when we received our travel approval in the last week of August our agency worked to get us an appointment at the consulate in September. We had just under two weeks to get our own visas, our ducks in a row and head out. In hindsight I am thankful for the Labor Day weekend within that time because we could do nothing that day. It slowed us down.

I am one of those people who doesn't relax on a trip until I get on the plane. We had lists of papers to bring, gifts, money, and a booked itinerary. I relaxed a little and but not all the way. We arrived in Beijing late in the evening after a 13 hour flight to find out that we would be sightseeing early the next morning with the three other families from our agency, Children's Hope International. I appreciate all the in-country logistics that our agency did. If my body was in the right time zone it would have gone much better. All of us woke up at 2 am and stared for a while. Sweet jet lag.

Our day of sight seeing included Tienanmen Square, the Forbidden City, a jade shop, the Great Wall, the Olympic village and a tea shop. On little sleep, I was a zombie. I found it ironic that the Forbidden City that the Emperor only came to three times a year has thousands of people visiting daily. Definitely not what he had in mind. It was all fascinating but so hard to appreciate in my fatigue.  My daughter fell fast asleep after the Great Wall where she boasts walking more than 1100 steps. I boast a drool spot on my leg. Yes, I took pictures, but I 'm saving those for her wedding.

By the time we got back to the hotel, I crawled into bed with my clothes on and slept. No dinner. Up at 4 am. Somewhere in there I changed. Exhausted and still jet lagged. We got up early again that morning because we flew to Xi'an, the capital of the province where our son's orphanage was located. After checking in, (we are thankful for our CHI coordinator, Amy) we took one of the most turbulent flights I've ever been on. One and a half hours of the one hour and fifty minute flight was bouncy. We were in the back. One other family traveled with us, and we all were praying for safety. And for the flight to be over. I am not a good flier. I am a terrible turbulent flier.

We arrived in Xi'an around noon, met our guides, met other families, checked into our hotel, and exchanged money. That afternoon we met our children and took them with us. Excitement and exhaustion were overwhelming. Our son traveled two hours from his orphanage to meet us. All the children had different manifestations of stress. Crying, withdraw, fatigue. It was hard, but it was sweet. It was a moment all the parents had been waiting for. We all knew that things take time and that this was just the beginning. Our son laughed with the toy we brought him. This encouraged us. The next few days included more paperwork and logistics. I am so thankful for our guides because I was Out Of It. Sherry knew everything we needed to do, she was patient, and she was gracious. She had been doing this for five years every week from March to October. She was training our guide, Sally, and she knew that we were there for the children. I eventually got in the right time zone, but it took at least one nap. The whirlwind wasn't done. I had just gotten my bearings.

Photo Drop Time!

Yum, Mexican food before traveling.
Tienanmen Square

Forbidden City

The Great Wall
(1173 steps for B and S. Umm, less for me)

Olympic Village - Bird's Nest
(My daughter asked "What's that?" I replied, "You were sleeping.")

Hello son!


Monday, July 28, 2014

A Letter to My Seamus

My boy Seamus,

Thank you for being my dog. My dog. It is really hard to say, "Goodbye."

Yes, you weren't the perfect dog. You were a chatty corgi, barking at everything. And your bark was loud. People could hear you down the street. The girlios took your lead and learned that if they nagged at Mom long enough they got what they wanted. "SIT WITH ME. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. I SIT ON THE LEFT." "IT'S 4:30 PM. DON'T YOU KNOW I EAT AT 5:00 PM." So so annoying, but when you made that noise like Chewbacca it was hard not to smile. "Rrrroooooh!" Your face was so expressive. The Lord gave you eyebrows, and you could work 'em.
A sweet face
I remember when we brought you home. You spent your first few months in a house with no stairs. As you walked into our home with stairs up and down off the landing you looked so confused. The stairs have always been a little weird for you with your wacky back and wiggly hips.

When we first got you I would read my Bible on the sofa and you would crawl up on the pages snuggling in pressing your nose leaving your watermark. You were known for laying on any object that was on the ground. Anything. Paper. Socks. Jackets. During a Pampered Chef party at my home you laid on the folders on the floor.
You loved the girlios, letting them lean, hug and play with their friends.
I am sorry that you never got to eat at the pace you wanted. Winnie always had your food in mind and in sight. She wouldn't even let you by the kitchen table. I loved being able to give you empty peanut butter containers. I am sorry that you didn't enjoy riding in the car. I am sorry that you never liked anybody touching your paws. I am sorry that someone left the gate open twice, and you wandered away. Winnie came right to the front door, but you followed your nose. The second time a man picked you up and you were exchanged from car to car. The first time I rode my bike looking for you, and when you saw me you ran to me full of energy and excitement. "Mom, I found you!"

No candy for you!
You were picky about your water bowl though. We have three water bowls inside and one outside. You liked your water fresh too. Once, the water bowl upstairs was empty, and you pushed it down the stairs to let us know it was empty. Many years later you learned that same pushing motion would let you out the screen door. An old dog learned new tricks. It was so much better than that time you ran into the screen door.

With other dogs you were dog aggressive on walks, protecting the family. However, you always waited for the dogs in neighboring yards to come out so you could 'chat' with them. Taking running leaps off the deck eventually wore on your little legs, but in your youth you could catch flies and dragonflies in the air. You never really got the hang of catch as you always let Winnie have the ball and barked the whole time. It only took about 20 throws to wear out corgi legs. When Winnie got tired, you refused to play. Such a funny pair.

Winnie and Seamus
You never liked to go to a kennel. As a nervous dog, you would suffer for days after your return. When we moved into our current house, we put you in the kennel for the move but not for the packing. You were always nervous when we packed, even for vacation. The first morning in our house my husband woke up to you throwing up next to his head. You threw up four more times. I'm so glad we never changed the carpeting before we moved in. We tried to have house sitters from then on.  Just for you.

Thank you for being our weather dog. You were more predictable than the Weather Channel. Six hours before a front came through you would be in your kennel. The kennel was your safe place. After barking at company, hearing loud noises, while the girlios practiced piano and through storms, the blue box was your haven.
Stretching out your spine
When we took obedience class together, you graduated at the top of your class. The instructor told me during one of the classes, "You know he just wants to please you." Yes, you did. Early on you slept intermittently on the bed, but as the years went on your place was at the end of the bed. At night you would stretch you spine out along my leg and your breathing and warmth would calm me, especially on those nights my anxieties got to me.

When the girlios took their naps, you took one with me. Since B was gone, you would sneak up and take his spot by the pillow. You were sneaky on the sofa too. Though you preferred the left, when someone got up you took their warm spot. Especially when you licked a huge spot on your side. Stinker. Thanks for taking one last nap with me yesterday. The girlios have their lovies. You've been my lovie for years. There will be a void when you are gone.

My sweet drooly boy
I am sorry you got sick. I was hoping my boys would meet each other, but it wasn't meant to be. Thank you for 12 years of service. For 12 years of faithfulness. For 12 years of love. I hope we've loved you well. We will miss you. We miss you already.

Good Night Sweet Prince.


Friday, June 13, 2014

Esprit De She Naperville Triathlon Recap

A good tri day. A bad hair day. Didn't find my pony until post race.
Last weekend I completed my fourth triathlon. It was my first foot race since graduating PT. (The swim and the biking were just a long warm up for the run.) Today I ran 6 miles, my longest post injury run. Two big wins in a week.

 Early early morning selfie with the portas
I forget that getting ready for a triathlon is like packing for a trip. Swim stuff, bike stuff, running stuff, and post race stuff. I bought a wetsuit this year, and it was my security blanket. Not only does it keep me warm, it gives me a little buoyancy, and it acts as a protective layer from lake/beach goop. Sweet. All your stuff has to be set up in the transition area before the race actually starts. At some triathlons you can get your gear together the night before. For Naperville, we set up before the race. This year the tri was sold out, and the racks were much more crowded than last year. There was a woman who had come early, had a flat, gotten her flat fixed and had about 10 minutes to lay out her gear and rack her bike. It was her first tri. She was frantic. The racks were so packed she was having trouble finding space. I swished my stuff over and racked her bike. She gave me a hug and a blessing. That's a nice way to start a race.


All the stuff

Transition closes and the race starts. The elites start first. (The winner finished in 1:04:59. A-mazing) The cancer survivors go next and then waves by age. The older I get the sooner I start. This year the swim felt much more crowded. I don't like kicking people or being kicked. There was also the emotional struggle in the swim. Can I make it? Do I really know how to swim? Don't panic. I love that when going out and back in the Naperville beach there is the opportunity to walk before going back into the water. It allowed me to emotionally regroup. I felt confident for the last leg. (17:01 min swim)

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to set time goals for a comeback event for which I'm terribly under-trained, but I did. My goal was to finish the whole race in under two hours. My time overall time was 2:00:44. I will tell you where that 44 seconds went. During Transition 1 from swim to bike, I changed out of my wetsuit and into my Nuu Muu dress, and I went to the bathroom. While in the porta I totally Ross Gellered. My wet tri pants were stuck. Good gracious. I spent almost 4 minutes longer in T1 than I did last year. Ridiculous. Even I couldn't help but laugh. (T1-9:19 min)

My max distance on my bike this year has been about 5 miles. I have done 5 mi bike x 3 mi run x 5 mi bike bricks, but I was pretty nervous about the bike section. There are two laps for the Naperville tri, and when I started the bike section I reminded myself that it was a great opportunity to warm up my hip, leg and foot. I also noticed as the miles progressed that I was behind "Elly." I decided to pace Elly for the bike section. As I got tired or the wind picked up, I kept my eye on where she was and pushed a bit harder. As we came around the second lap, I passed Elly. I turned to her and told her that she couldn't slow down because she was my pacer. She said she knew I was close behind her because she kept hearing people say "Cute dress!" At that point, Elly and I rode side-by-side for the rest of the bike section. We talked about our kids of similar ages, our husbands, the swim, and our love of trails. I am so thankful for Elly. So thankful. She made the time go quickly, and the bike go swiftly. (58:37 min bike - 13.61 mi/hour)

Transition 2 went much better. (4:48 min) My feet didn't feel like bricks. I think having toe clips on my bike really helped. My legs were warmed up for my run, and I ran. I ran happy. The course was  mostly shady (PTL) and went quickly. I am stunned and pleasantly pleased finding out my pace. I don't wear a watch on race day. I will take a 9 in front of my pace any day, even a 9:59. (31:01 min - 9:59 pace)


All done! Now to walk it to the car...
Here's what I love about the Esprit De She Naperville Triathlon. It's an all women's event, and women of all shapes, sizes, ages and phases participate. I often play the compare game with other women. When I was picking up my packet and listening to the course description I looked around. I saw such a spectrum of women. And overall, during the race women were encouraging other women. Yes, the competitors were annoyed with lollygags getting in their way, but there was a tremendous feeling of encouragement. I love that. Love that. Esprit De She has fabulous swag and throws a great party (for packet pick up and post race). The flower station where you pick and pot a plant is wonderful. I sampled and strolled. I enjoyed myself. I tri-ed, and I'll tri again.

The sweet swag - ornate, living and usable.