Punctuated Equilibrium, Changes and Almost a Year

I was a biology major. In college I was introduced to the concept of punctuated equilibrium, and it has stuck with me. Punctuated equilibrium and gradualism are both part of the evolutionary theory. Gradualism suggests that change occurred slowly over time. Punctuated equilibrium disagrees suggesting that the fossil record doesn't support gradualism. Rather, huge changes happened all at once and then everything settled down for a while.

I never taught biology after student teaching so may not have the theory exactly correct after all these years. Forgive me, but our lives have gone through some punctuation this year, and I could use a little equilibrium. I feel like the ground rumbled under my feet and a new landscape emerged. Because it did.

We planted this tree when we moved in 11 years ago.
It had a V but one part was broken in a storm. It's grown.

When I was in graduate school, I had a friend in a counseling program who was taking a class on change. A whole class. And he had books all about change: the nature of change, helping people with change and the effects of change. It seems many people have trouble finding the equilibrium or the "new normal." I'm not alone. Personally, I know I suck (I mean "grieve badly") at goodbyes especially when I don't know what lies ahead.

Let's recap. In the past year, one of our dogs passed away, we went to China to pick up my son, and we moved. All the while still doing the regular parts of life, like homeschooling, teaching and taking classes. There were doctors' appointments all over the county. Buying a house and selling a house. Packing all of our stuff and then unpacking (not really yet) all of our stuff. Doing homework until midnight. Grading and instructing. And we went back in time to diapers, nap time and strollers. Add in language acquisition, sleep issues and toddler tantrums. Leaving our home and neighborhood of 11 years. Settling into a new neighborhood. Travelling too. Rumble. Rumble.

Last time on the swing set

I've put on some weight. Actually, my son and I are pound for pound. His is catch up weight. Mine, not so much. It may be stress related. Last year at this time we were scrambling for flights and getting our ducks in a row to go. It's hard to believe it has almost been a year. It's been hard, but the good hard that stretches and grows you. Patience and perseverance isn't learned on the sofa with a bag of chips. I wish. My son has come so far. A friend was listening to him talk yesterday and understood him. Huge deal. His most used phrase is "I got it" because he thinks he can do everything himself. Everything. Two year old boy.

Everybody is tired. 

I am thankful that I can run again this year. Running with people like Bobbi, Kate, Carrie, Emily and Julie has been a saving grace. My ankle gets cranky, and I listen. I've already run two half marathons this season, Wisconsin and Grandma's. They are both great races, and I had good races. Win. Win. I did the Esprit de She Naperville Tri as well. I love that tri. It's fun and fancy. It was also my first time in the water at the race as well as the longest bike of the year. I'm training for the Milwaukee Lakefront Marathon in Oct and finished the first of the really long runs this past weekend. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, but things are different. And that's okay.

Miles, smiles and sole sisters.

School is starting. My husband is back. My classes to take start today. Half my brood are going to school this year, and they are starting the same time my classes to teach start. We are keeping it classy. We will be a mixed family: homeschool and public school. I hope both sides are kind as we ride the fence. They can get pretty polar. I think it is what is best for us right now.

Anyway, this is long. Sometimes bloggers talk about little changes in their lives day by day or week by week. This year I couldn't do it. I didn't have the time, and I didn't have it in me. I hope to get back to a balance where I am posting more often. If I don't, life is still in flux and the landscape is still changing. Did I mention we also started potty training today?

Recap of 2014 and Ready for 2015

Let's take a look at last year. After finishing the Naperville Marathon in November 2013, my right foot started hurting on runs. It got to the point where I actually went to the doctor in January, where my car also died on a major road on the way home, and it was -20 degrees out. Sweet. The doctor gave me the okay to run the Frozen Gnome 10k but I chose a DNS (Did Not Start) as my foot HURT. The doctor sent me to the podiatrist who made me snazzy orthotics, told me my calves were too tight and sent me to the physical therapist. I went through PT for months starting with picking up marbles with my toes which KILLED. I had neglected so many of my small muscles and tendons, and they were upset about it.

2 out of 3 DNS shirts. I think I may have thrown the other one out. Sad.

Meanwhile, we were matched with a beautiful boy from China who was younger than the ages included in our home study. So we filed an amendment on our home study to include his age and waited for the state to get its paperwork back. And we waited. And we waited. And I fretted. And we waited. China got our stuff together, and we still waited for the paperwork from the state.

My poor PT, who was fabulous, heard all about it, but he didn't hear about when the paperwork came. He said running the Wisconsin Half Marathon was not a good idea. Another DNS. I would show you a picture of that shirt, but I can't even find it. I did find the $20 deferment from last year. I'm already signed up for this year. He said I could do a Fall half marathon if I was very very careful in my training. I was doing ankle, core and hip exercises regularly. Basically, he said the whole body needed to be strengthened. My calves were tight and doing all the work.

Love that they do this if you can't run. Love it.

I did do the Esprit De She Naperville Triathlon again as an ambassador. I love that race. It's a full body exercise, and EDS puts on a great all women event. As slow of a runner as I am, I feel great running and actually passing people in the run. Nobody sees me crying in the swim. I'm an ambassador again this year on June 14. If you sign up too use code EDS033 to use me as a reference.

I also ran the Antioch Run for Freedom 5k. My parents and family friends run it too. My dad didn't medal this year because there were 4 men in the over 70 category and he was the 4th.

In other areas, I taught some lovely hard working students this year. I finished my first class in my MSM program, and my head spun. I love math, and I find it so interesting, but I can also feel inadequate. Getting over myself is a full time job.

No running medals this year, but cute shirts. 

In July, I said goodbye to my Seamus dog. Great sadness. In August, our paperwork got speed routed, and we had 13 days to get our act together to travel. THIRTEEN DAYS. I freaked out like it was my job. I ran 8 miles with Bobbi as my longest run of the year before heading out to China. To read more about our adoption read the current 5 part series here. God was so good to us. He is still good to us.

My Seamus dog

After coming home I decided to take another DNS for the Prairie State Half Marathon. Do you see a trend here? DNSs are sad. Don't get me wrong. I am glad I can still run, and that I am being body wise, but I still grieve the DNS. This year I stopped recording my miles on Dailymile. I even forgot my password. A hard fitness year. Let's call it a rebuilding year, because it was.

In an effort to keep my sanity, my fitness and my run, I joined my local Jazzercise. I love it, and my whole body loves it too. I'm stronger, and I know my weaknesses. And it's fun. My elder girlios come too - voluntarily. After a few weeks of Jazzercise, I ran the Kenosha Mayor Turkey Day 10k. I didn't come in last, and my foot didn't hurt. I win. As it has gotten colder, it has been fun to workout inside. I have to tell you that the people in class are inspirational. All different shapes, sizes, and levels of fitness doing something positive for their health. That's so good. The instructors are fabulous too.

Melanie teaches, encourages and makes Jazzercise look easy.
My sweaty self says, "It's not."

So there. What do I expect from this year? I resolve to thrive. That's my word for the year. I've seen it in my son. I want to see it in me. I may not run a marathon this year, but I want to feel strong. To make choices and create habits that encourage development. I'd rather not break anything again. I want to be strong mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. To grow vigorously and flourish. To THRIVE.

Thriving, like this guy.

See what I did there. I didn't make any measurable yearlong goals. Nope. Little goals. Little successes. A year full of wins.

There Were Blues [Adoption Series Pt 5]

I love shopping at Goodwill, and I enjoy trolling the book section. As we were in the process, I repeatedly saw the book "Post Adoption Blues" on the shelf. I saw it over a period of months before it was finally bought. I never picked it up; I ignored it. From our adoption training and the presence of a whole book about it, I knew the blues was a definite possibility.

I feel stress all around my body but it is most often manifested in my face, particularly my chin. Depression I feel in my arms. I learned that many many years ago when breaking off an engagement. At that time I felt so manipulated and that I lost so much: trust, friends, and some self-respect. My arms ached for about a month.

Coming home with our son was such an adjustment. My in-laws were with us for a week, and shortly after they left my husband went back to work to a packed week. Settling in to a schedule was tumultuous. Let me be very clear, our son is adjusting really really well, almost picture perfect, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been difficult.

Toddler says, "Everything is mine and I will put it wherever I want."

I can say having my son has been harder than having my bio girlios. That seems reasonable. There are language and culture barriers. Time zones, nap times, feedings and diapers again. Instead of a tiny baby that sleeps most of the day, I have a rapidly developing heavy toddler. But there were things I didn't think of and things that were more taxing than I expected. Adopting a child is like birthing a baby, but it is definitely different. I was surprised and hurt that our workplaces didn't acknowledge our adoption like a birth. I apologize to all the adoptive parents I know that I didn't come alongside, and I thank all the ones that have encouraged me through this first few months because they know. So many said, "Stay strong; this is the hardest part." when we got back, and it was so encouraging. I am so thankful for Cara for setting up a meal plan and for all the families that brought us meals. We never had that with the girlios, but I can not adequately convey my gratitude. I...was...overwhelmed. I am thankful for Jennifer for clothing my son across the world and back, and for Kelly and Nadege for clothing him for the next year. We had so many offers of help. Even with all the support, it was hard.

One of the things that I didn't expect to be so hard was the 24/7 attachment process. I mentally knew it, but I didn't physically know it. Unlike my bio girlios where I felt I could get a sitter, and the girlios would still know that I am their mom, weeks and months of attaching could get exhausting, especially when meals and bedtime were stressful too. Before my son came home, we were out of the strollers, diapers, and naps phase. I enjoyed more 'free' time than I knew. Keeping up with the house post adoption was just not happening. My son got my attention. My girlios had to adjust to him and getting less attention. There were times that I felt more exhausted than I should, and my arms ached. It was another adoptive mom who brought up the blues, and it resonated with me.

I read a few books on our trip to China. One of the books that I read most of, and it really resonated with me was "The Happiness Project." I'd like to finish it, but we'll see when that happens. I love that she makes tangible goals in the book. I wrote myself a list of things I want to do long term and short term. I set some goals. It gave me perspective. Exercise, particularly running, has been an important part of my physical, emotional and mental health. I was finally at a point post physical therapy that I could run again and now when I needed it I was too tired to go out. My arms ached. My super supportive husband gets it. I love him for it. I joined a group class and have run a few times. I gave up on the house, reminding myself of toddler life long ago, and gave myself some grace.

I'm getting better. We are getting better. We are a family. There are still bumps in the road, and some of them smart. We feel like a family. I still have to remind them that I am the mom, but I've done that everyday I've been a mom. They are my favorite people.

Favorite Peeps!

Our Hotels, The Families, My Village [Adoption Series Pt 4]

We stayed in three different hotels in China. In Beijing we only stayed in our hotel for two nights, and since we stayed there for so little time I don't think I even have a picture. What was significant was meeting the other families from our agency. My friend Laury, who introduced us to CHI, commented before we left that it is not uncommon for families to get close during their time together. Here is what was so neat for us. There were four families together from our agency. The families split in pairs to two different regions to meet our children and then came back together in Guangzhou. In Xi'an we met two other families who shared our Xi'an experience and the same hotel. One family walked through the whole time with us.

Neat is not a strong enough word. It was all such a blessing. I met some amazing people. AMAZING families. Beautiful families. I often send off my students with the phrase "Be amazing." because there is a choice to be made to go beyond ordinary. I met and saw so many people being amazing. People adopting their second or third child from China, giving kids with an array of special needs a forever home.

Our Xi'an hotel room

The opposite view and me on the bed jet-laggin'

Our hotel in Xi'an was very fancy looking. However, it sometimes had a smell of sewage and/or backed up plumbing. Bummer. On the plus side, we were put on the same floor as two families, one from our agency and one from another. This was great because we could have play dates in the hallway. I cherished those times. It gave us the opportunity to share our experiences. For me, I needed to hear other's joys, struggles and progress. I also enjoyed just laughing. Amy brought her whole family to adopt a second child from Xi'an. Her family is a hoot. And just precious. I have occasionally called my son, Chicken, and I have Amy to thank for it. Spending time with the families, with my new family member, was a great support. When the ladies went to the baby store and to the department store it was an adventure. We enjoyed different restaurants together. One of the families spoke Chinese, and we got the opportunity to experience a local hot pot/bbq meal that I would have missed without them. I laughed hard during a stressful time, and it was good for me.

The Xi'an families

When we got to Guangzhou we had to say goodbye to the families from the other agency in Xi'an as they were in another hotel. We did see them on different occasions like the boat tour and at the consulate. Another blessing. The Garden Hotel was amazing. I have used the word 'opulent'. We didn't take a panoramic of our room but the lobby took my breath away. Our room was huge. A couple of the families got rooms that were actually apartments. Huger huge.I am thankful that we could use their washer-drier to do our laundry. Nothing dried in Xi'an, and we were living on the edge. It was so nice to see the other families again and share our stories. And we all had stories. Then we got to share our time in Guangzhou together to build more stories. We went on outings, to restaurants and shopping with some or all of the other families. The Malaysian restaurant was fantastic and by the third time our family went, it was like Cheers when we came in.

The CHI families in the hotel lobby

The other awe inspiring thing was that most of the other families in our hotel in Guangzhou were adopting children, many with special needs, so breakfast in the hotel was a beautiful rainbows of families. People, it brought such joy to my heart to see, like almost to tears when I looked around the room, and that room was big. As the week went on the number of adoptive families dwindled, but it was still marvelous to see all the families. We got used to seeing certain families, asking how they were doing and sharing our stories. We were one of the last families to leave, and the last morning for breakfast there were only three adopting families a breakfast.

Clinic craziness

One other event I want to note was the medical checkup morning. Apparently there were 90 children being adopted to the US that week. All those children needed to have their medical clearance before they could get their visas. Saturday morning is check-up day for all the kids at the clinic. Children over two had to get TB tests. Every child had to get a general physical in accordance with their paperwork, vitals, passport photos and ear/nose/throat. That place was a madhouse. A madhouse. There was a lot of hurry up and wait. It was a great opportunity to chat with other families with a lot of background noise, mainly crying. At one point I looked around, and I got choked up. There were children with so many special needs - missing appendages, Down's Syndrome, wheel chair bound, older children, facial issues, and more. And they were all getting ready to go home. Home. Families were opening up their heart and sharing their lives. It was BEAUTIFUL. I get why people go back to adopt again. There is such a need. A huge need. From an institution to a family. Beyond surviving to flourishing. To thriving.

At the zoo. Our last day all together. 

To all the families we met, have a memorable wonderful first Thanksgiving together.

Getting to Know You - Daily Gains and Losses [Adoption Series Pt 3]

When we show people pictures of our son, they are often taken aback because of his fair complexion. He has albinism. Albino is the more familiar term, but it can have a negative connotation so I hesitate in using it. We weren't sure when we met him if he would have red eyes and white hair, which is not uncommon with albinism. In fact, he has blue eyes and light red/blond hair. He actually looks like he fits in with our family.

Albinism affects vision, skin sensitivity and vary rarely can be associated with a bleeding and neurological disorder. We were not sure what to expect when we met him because there is very little on his medical report. It did say that he was afraid of light (which he is). The condition is called photophobia. It's like being woken up by a bright light and not being able to relax your eyes. It hurts. Poor depth perception, nsytagmus (involuntary wiggling of the eyes) and lower resolution vision are some of the vision issues related to albinism.

This post comes off a bit clinical. I'm sorry for that. My mind works analytically and loves observation. You may not see in my observations the emotional roller coaster, the emotional weariness and the grief of letting expectations go. A friend said when she met our son that he was surprisingly average. I take that as a huge complement because it shows how far he's come.

When we met our son, he was stressed and nervous. His nystagmus was in overdrive. The first day he self soothed with his shirt on his imaginary soul patch and his eyes danced eerily. Because of his poor depth perception and lack of vision resolution he had to be dependent on his caregiver and he played with toys very close to his face. He held the toys we brought very close, curving his neck and back to see more clearly. Consequently, we don't think he walked much. He stood up for us on the second day and walked a few steps before throwing himself into our arms, but he was unsteady on his feet. He had a squishy belly and squishy thighs. Since his calves were super strong, we suspected he scooched on his bottom and kicked like a champ.

While other children were running around and enjoying their new freedom, our son sat and played quietly. It worried me. When our son cried, he cried a close mouth cry except when he had a full out tantrum, and then he would flail so much that we tried to keep him from hurting himself. We suspect that the children could have those tantrums in their cribs and not be injured as they would have been on our hotel marble floor. That first night, I confessed to my husband, "He's so broken." My husband replied, "He's who God chose for us." I had to let go of all my expectations and get to know our son right where he was. I had to cheer at every gain and not be discouraged by the losses.

His nystagmus his calmed down so much. Now, I rarely see it. He's got to be tired or stressed out. He still self-soothes on everything he can find that is soft and cuddly. I made him a blanket out of the softest yarn I could find. He's attached to it well, and it signals naps and nighttime. We all walked him down the hall of the hotel holding his hand for long stretches of time. He would walk and walk and walk. He never walked independently in our first hotel room. In our second hotel, he walked cautiously around the room. It filled me with joy. He's still unsure on slopes, grass or uneven ground, but he is making strides. I see them as huge gains, but to the outside eye may not even notice. He's smart, determined and a quick learner. He is almost running now, but only where he knows the terrain. He doesn't play on playground equipment, yet.

He has lots of eating issues. When our son eats, he makes a sound like "yumm" but the "um" doesn't stop. It started out endearing but it became stressful. The noise would go on for the duration of the meal. Baby signs and food security has made meals more manageable. He has transitioned from a bottle to sippy. He didn't eat solid food when we met him. His tongue still got in the way and he didn't know what to do with his bottom lip. He didn't open his hands to put hand held food into his mouth. He didn't use his thump effectively. Now, he'll try to feed himself with a spoon. The dog loves it. Huge strides in a short time.

I could go on and on about how he is overcoming delays. Two things I want to note. When we were at a meal in Xi'an our guide Sherry encouraged me by saying that some kids in the orphanage get attention because they are loud and demand it. She said that other kids are quiet and since they play by themselves they don't get as much attention, but they still need it. "Don't worry," she said, "He'll be fine." She was right. Our son has attached remarkably well. The psychologist at our adoption intake evaluation made a statement that has stuck with me. "Somebody at the orphanage loved him." They did, and we do too.

Everyday we make gains. I can't imagine where we will be in a year. I look forward to it.

Photo Drop Time!

Our guides, Sally and Sherry, in Xi'an

In the new section of Guangzhou

My favorite cling-on before the river cruise

Making it legit and getting a visa

At our hotel in Guangzhou and pretty happy about it

Schedule? What Schedule? [Adoption Series Pt 2]

There were some parts about our adoption process that made my heart race and tears well up in my eyes. There were other parts that lacked the luster I expected them to have. When we met our son it was fairly unceremonious. The room was an office with a desk on one side and a conference table on the other. It was poorly lit with whitish tile. I was nervous. Our guides told us to come up with questions for our child's nannies who would be dropping off our son. The orphanage was a two hour drive from the office. I am sure it was the second car trip my son had taken. The first was to the orphanage from the place he was left, and the second was to this office. There were six families meeting children in this office, from more than one orphanage, at the same time.

I made my list of questions. What does he like to do? To eat? What time does he get up? Go to bed? Please, tell me all about him. I'll be honest. Asking through the translator was difficult. Lots of people were talking all at once in an enclosed space about the size of our family room. The nannies told us his schedule. Eventually, after all the questions, our translator wrote down the schedule for us, and then the nannies left. We were one of the last families to leave the room and go back to our hotel room just a few levels below.

My son didn't cry, but he was nervous. We were nervous too. He clung to an apple slice in his hand that had been slightly gnawed on. My husband removed it from his hand when he fell asleep for the night. My husband also went out to get baby food and apples for him. (Yesterday, was the first time I saw my son eat raw apple. We ended up giving the apples we bought to our guide.) We made it through the first night, but we felt over our heads.

It rained in Xi'an for almost the whole week. It felt like Seattle in the Fall. Xi'an happens to be the home of the Terracotta Warriors as well as having one of the oldest and most intact City Walls in the world. Both of them were fascinating. It was important to see the local sights and to be able to share them with our son. Due to the rain, we had our day of rest and then two days of sightseeing after a paperwork day rather than jumping right into sightseeing. That was good. Either way the days were packed.

Having the nannies write down our son's schedule was futile. He had lived a scheduled life in the orphanage, and we blew his schedule completely. We fed him different foods. Most of the children were food insecure. They ate almost everything and anything. Crinkled packaging elicited a response often desperate. Wake up times, napping, regular meals - gone. Travel in buses to new locations. We brought a stroller around the world only to find, our son didn't want to be put down. Poor kid.

Looking back, our son went from the orphanage to two different hotels before coming home and any hopes of reestablishing a schedule. We took him all over the countryside at a variety of times, we fed him a variety of foods, and we gave him naps whenever. We messed up the world he knew. We didn't even speak the same language. The only constant in the two weeks of travel until we got home was us. I am thankful he learned to trust us.So thankful. I can't even imagine how hard it was for him to go from the normal and routine of his first year and a half to what we introduced him to. We learned a lot about him and he of us, but it was hard.

Photo Drop...

The last full night in a crib until we came home.
The next night he woke up screaming and then he co-slept.

Carrying him up the Xi'an City Wall steps. Our arms hurt, often.

The City Wall was beautiful,
 and I wanted to go back to walk/run/ride the 8+ miles all the way around it.

Wild Goose Pagoda Fountain Park

At a Terracotta Warrior Replica Factory

The Terracotta Warriors Pit 1: Amazing. Wow.

My name is Mom, and I have jet lag [Adoption Series Pt 1]

Adoption is a crazy long paperwork trail attached to the beginning of a long relationship with a child. This is a series on how it was for us at the end of the paperwork and meeting our son. I need to qualify and say that I can only speak for myself. My experience may be a little different than my husband or my daughter who went too. Our experience is definitely different from other people's experiences. Now that I've had a little time to process and to sleep I am able to see a little more objectively. People have asked how our trip was. That's a hard question to answer. It can't be answered simply. It was sweet. It was hard. It was a whirlwind.

Since the first week of October is a national holiday in China and the third week is a sales convention in Guangzhou where the only US consulate in China issuing visas is located, when we received our travel approval in the last week of August our agency worked to get us an appointment at the consulate in September. We had just under two weeks to get our own visas, our ducks in a row and head out. In hindsight I am thankful for the Labor Day weekend within that time because we could do nothing that day. It slowed us down.

I am one of those people who doesn't relax on a trip until I get on the plane. We had lists of papers to bring, gifts, money, and a booked itinerary. I relaxed a little and but not all the way. We arrived in Beijing late in the evening after a 13 hour flight to find out that we would be sightseeing early the next morning with the three other families from our agency, Children's Hope International. I appreciate all the in-country logistics that our agency did. If my body was in the right time zone it would have gone much better. All of us woke up at 2 am and stared for a while. Sweet jet lag.

Our day of sight seeing included Tienanmen Square, the Forbidden City, a jade shop, the Great Wall, the Olympic village and a tea shop. On little sleep, I was a zombie. I found it ironic that the Forbidden City that the Emperor only came to three times a year has thousands of people visiting daily. Definitely not what he had in mind. It was all fascinating but so hard to appreciate in my fatigue.  My daughter fell fast asleep after the Great Wall where she boasts walking more than 1100 steps. I boast a drool spot on my leg. Yes, I took pictures, but I 'm saving those for her wedding.

By the time we got back to the hotel, I crawled into bed with my clothes on and slept. No dinner. Up at 4 am. Somewhere in there I changed. Exhausted and still jet lagged. We got up early again that morning because we flew to Xi'an, the capital of the province where our son's orphanage was located. After checking in, (we are thankful for our CHI coordinator, Amy) we took one of the most turbulent flights I've ever been on. One and a half hours of the one hour and fifty minute flight was bouncy. We were in the back. One other family traveled with us, and we all were praying for safety. And for the flight to be over. I am not a good flier. I am a terrible turbulent flier.

We arrived in Xi'an around noon, met our guides, met other families, checked into our hotel, and exchanged money. That afternoon we met our children and took them with us. Excitement and exhaustion were overwhelming. Our son traveled two hours from his orphanage to meet us. All the children had different manifestations of stress. Crying, withdraw, fatigue. It was hard, but it was sweet. It was a moment all the parents had been waiting for. We all knew that things take time and that this was just the beginning. Our son laughed with the toy we brought him. This encouraged us. The next few days included more paperwork and logistics. I am so thankful for our guides because I was Out Of It. Sherry knew everything we needed to do, she was patient, and she was gracious. She had been doing this for five years every week from March to October. She was training our guide, Sally, and she knew that we were there for the children. I eventually got in the right time zone, but it took at least one nap. The whirlwind wasn't done. I had just gotten my bearings.

Photo Drop Time!

Yum, Mexican food before traveling.

Tienanmen Square

Forbidden City

The Great Wall
(1173 steps for B and S. Umm, less for me)

Olympic Village - Bird's Nest
(My daughter asked "What's that?" I replied, "You were sleeping.")

Hello son!

Holding my breath

I want to tell you that we are booking our tickets to China and picking up our son, but I can't.

I want to tell you all I know about him and how excited we are to meet him, but I can't.

I want to tell you how our lives are all abuzz about preparing for him and my wacky nesting habits, but I can't.

I just can't.

Because I'm holding my breath. Waiting. Wondering. Hoping. Praying. Distracting myself. Guarding my heart. Still holding my breath. Feeling helpless. And I'm getting a little blue.

See, we're in limbo. A few months ago we would have called it the 'Waiting Time' between matching us with a child and getting all the travel paperwork together, the last stages of paper pregnancy. However, the Chinese government changed their policy the week after we made our match tightening the timeline of when we have to get our US paperwork together. Our matched child happens to be a few months younger than our home study age range. This is not uncommon, and our home study simply needs to be updated to include his age. Sounds simple.

However, I live in a state that does its paperwork very very slowly. In the paper race between the Chinese government and the US government, my state cuts Achilles tendons. Due to delayed US paperwork, a family has lost their referral, their match. Our agency said this is a first. I do not know if this family was from our state. At first we simply guarded our hearts because neither paperwork had come through so there was nothing to worry about. Or at least nothing to really worry about.

This week however, the Chinese government won this leg of the paper race. And still we wait on our state. We know that it is truly out of our hands. We have done our part until we need to do our part again. We have to wait for others to do their part.

We sincerely wish we could say that it will all work out, but we can't.

We will hold our breath, rub a nose for good luck, and hopefully have some news soon.

For luck.

Would you consider...?

In looking at our homestudy date this week, I noticed that I've (we've) been paper pregnant for a year. Being paper pregnant has been different than being biologically pregnant. I feel quite honored to have had the opportunity to be both. One of the things that is noticeably different is the ability to make decisions about the child you would like to adopt. My bio girlios just came out and, boom, I get what I get and I don't throw a fit. When adopting, there are some hard questions to answer. And working to decide is difficult. Here are some thing to consider:

• Would you consider adopting a child?
• Would you consider sharing your life, your family and your resources?
• Would you consider the time, perhaps years or more, to create attachment?
• Would you consider adopting an older child?
• Would you consider adopting a younger child?
• Would you consider adopting out of birth order?
• Would you consider a child with a heart problem when you're not sure about the severity of the condition?
• Would you consider a child who is deaf or blind?
• Would you consider a child who has mobility issues?
• Would you consider a child with a genetic disorder?
• Would you consider a boy instead a girl or a girl instead a boy?
• Would you consider a child who has been in institutional care for some time and is delayed?
• Would you consider a child who has mental difficulties?
• Would you consider that your adoptive child may have issues that will not be manifested for years?
• Would you consider different parenting tactics to build attachment?
• Would you consider changing your mind?
• Would you consider being flexible?
• Would you consider changing your plans or putting your life on hold since you don't know when your child is coming or how old he/she is or what his/her issues are?
• Would you consider how much you have to open your heart and your life?

These are just a handful of the tough questions surrounding adoption. Decisions have to be made. It's almost too much control, or too much of a false sense of control, in a situation that has so many variables. We are thankful for all the people who have gone before us because our journey isn't over yet. Even after all the questions, we still feel that adoption is something to consider. Seriously consider.

The Waiting Place

"You can get so confused

that you'll start in a race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on a miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for the wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting"

- Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss

I don't pray for patience. I don't pray for patience because there is only one way to learn patience. It involves waiting. And waiting involves giving up control.

This winter has been a particularly good lesson in waiting. In Chiberia we have had the repeated snow-cold-snow sandwich since November. Often we hope for a snow fall before or around Thanksgiving. This year there were three snowfalls before Thanksgiving, and there has been some form of precipitation every 72 hours. I, like so many, am waiting for the weather to break. For Spring. For above freezing temperatures. It, however, is out of my control, so I wait. Waiting.

Two other factors in my life have made this the Waiting Winter. I'm waiting to heal, and I am waiting for our son. I have not run since Jan 1st. Tomorrow is March 1st. This make me sad. Thankfully, the weather has not been cooperative, but it doesn't still take away my desire to run. The healing road has been long, and although it is fruitful, there is still a distance to go. Just waiting.

I am also waiting to meet our son. Waiting for a match. Our dossier is filed, and I am paper pregnant. Unlike my past pregnancies, I don't know what I'm having or when I'm having it. I don't know how old my son will be, and therefore I can't plan. I don't know when I will meet him or what he looks like. It's completely out of my hands. I wait and pray. So much waiting.

Waiting wears on me. I think it wears on everyone. I have friends who are also in the Waiting Place. They are going through tough times, and they are waiting for change or relief. It can't come fast enough, and it feels like it isn't coming at all.

So what perspective can I offer as I see the forecast for snow again this weekend? Hope. There has to be hope or waiting will wear me away. Hope offers minor relief  and gives me strength to endure. The two days of above freezing weather when the sun shone remind me that Spring will come. It may take its own sweet time, but it will come.

My physical therapist asks me every week how I am doing and how my pain is. Although I can't run yet, I notice change. Last night I extended my foot in bed, and it didn't hurt. That's progress. The exercises I do at PT are often painful and take a lot of concentration. It's exhausting. And the exercises seem so trivial, but they are paying off. I got my inserts this week, and my physical therapist said I could run in two weeks. An end in sight. Hope. Strength to endure.

As far as our adoption. I am thankful for the woman at the agency who is working on our behalf. It is in her capable hands, and I have hope in that. I also have a full life plate right now. Distraction can be another form of hope. It reminds me that one thing does not have to be a consuming focal point. If I wait for the pot to boil, so to speak, I will miss out on all the other things around me. I don't have control over it anyway so I try not to worry about it. Distractions. Breaking up the waiting.

I'm also not alone in the Waiting Place. It is so easy to feel alone here. I'm not alone, and all it takes is a little vulnerability to find someone else was sitting next to me all along. Community. Yes, there is a temptation for group complaining. Misery does love company, but there is also a great opportunity to build one another up and encourage each other forward. Eyes ahead. Chin up. Arms locked. Waiting together. There is hope and strength.

"Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing"

-Dr. Seuss

To all the waiters, I wish us Boom Bands.

Steps of Faith

Today is National Adoption Day, and November is National Adoption Month. For those of you who do not know, our family is in the process of an international adoption. This week, completely coincidently, a big milestone in our adoption process took place. Our dossier was logged in China. The process to this point has been fairly bureaucratic. Our home study and dossier involved paperwork, interviews, doctor's visits, webinars and more paperwork. This week when the official letter came I felt pregnant again.

Here's our journey in a nutshell. We talked about adoption when we married. Two of our own and then adopt. We had two. Surprise #3 came pretty quickly after. We put adoption to the side. We brought it up again. We started talking to an agency. Before submitting our application we felt God might be pulling us another way. We hosted a child through Safe Families. We realized we still had a heart for adoption. We approached another agency. A year and a half later, here we are. And now we wait.

If you ask me how I feel, I would answer, "I don't know." Having a log in date did make my pulse race. There was panic and elation. We have really tried to keep our expectations limited. This week at the library I checked out 'The Odd Life of Timothy Green.' We sat down to watch it last night and I didn't know much about the story line. I was a perfect movie for where we were as a family in our process. The story is about a couple at an adoption center telling their story. They are unable to conceive a child but are miraculously given the child of their dreams, Timothy, for a short time. Timothy is different, having leaves on his legs. As parents, they make mistakes, they learn about themselves, they protect Timothy, they make mistakes upon their mistakes, they hover and they learn their dream child does not act as they expect. They are parents. We choked back tears. Okay, I let a few spill. I left the film comforted.

I didn't know what personality my children would have when they were born (and they are all very different). We adjusted as a family. That's what I expect. That's part of being in a family. And I'll make mistakes. Probably mistakes upon mistakes. I pray for our son and for my family and for us together.

I'm sure that there will be questions and comments. My friend Laury has some great insights on being respectful. (Unfortunately or fortunately, we field them now. Three times this week someone has asked if my two youngest girlios are twins. Umm. No.) Laury has gone through the process more than once and seeing her family regularly encourages me.

As I write this 'Happy Birthday' is playing in Chinese for the 50th time (because my girlios love the cd and know how to hit the repeat button), and my daughter just showed me a picture of the Great Wall of China she painted.

And we all move forward.

Minding the Gap

It's been quiet on the blog lately. We've had a big spring here at home. I've just had the chance to start to process. So join me if you will on working it through.

If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one. ~ Mother Teresa

 

Just about three weeks ago we dropped off our first Safe Family placement. We had the little girl, S, here for four months. It was a wild ride. The last couple weeks has been bittersweet. There's a gap in our house, and we can feel it. One of the girlios misses nap time, the quiet time in the afternoon. Another girlio has reminded me that S is her best friend. The house has also been quieter and calmer and less stressful.

She turned three here. We had a birthday party for her. She grew and flourished in our home. In her young life she has been seen homelessness, food uncertainty, mental illness, poverty, abandonment and addiction. It's a lot for a little life to carry. She has a great survival instinct and overall a very cheery personality. She's a fighter, for good and for bad.

I wish I could say that it was fantastic. It wasn't. It was hard and great at the same time. To their credit, my girlios were amazing. They loved, flexed, showed grace and took her in as a sister. S missed her mom and was angry about it. She felt comfortable enough around us to show her feelings. It was good for her growth because she could vent and learn to control some of her emotions. It was hard on us because of the physical nature of her emotional outbursts. I don't think she was used to boundaries. It's hard on everybody to catch up on those.

She came in February. It was cold and snowy. My girls love snow. S didn't exactly know what to do. We taught her how to play, that it was okay to play, and that it was okay to get dirty. The first time we took her to the park I took for granted that kids play at the park. She didn't want to step in the mulch. She didn't play in the sand. She didn't climb or slide down the slides. When she left in June she did all the things kids should do at the park. She slid, climbed and played with sand. I believe strongly that kids need to play for development. She loved being outside.

She tried new foods. She tried new things. She had new experiences. We took her on vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains. We took her to Pittsburgh to visit my sister. She loved going to soccer practice, and we got her her own ball. She showed some delays, but she also showed that she was capable of catching up. She could carry a tune better than all of us in the family combined.
She is highly verbal and often it made my eyes twitch. She couldn't track with all the words in a sentence that was said. It was hard. It took us a while to figure out that if she repeated the sentence after us she could understand what we were saying. She wanted to be prayed over every night. I still pray over her, and I think of her everyday.

My sister-in-law recently adopted her 24th placement. After walking in her shoes just this one time, I admire her even more. She's my hero. Talking through some things with her was so helpful.

So what did we learn?

We learned that sharing, really sharing, especially the things we love the most is hard. We love our family, so much, and sharing them was difficult. We learned to dig deep. And at points we learned we were pretty sucky at sharing. More than once we prayed for strength, grace and help, sometimes in tears.

We learned about love as an action word. We want to love and be loving. That takes action and faith to step out. So many people have encouraged us and told us what an amazing thing we were doing. I don't feel amazing. I do feel we made choices to live as we believe. Taking those steps of faith, day-in day-out loving is hard. We were blessed but growing involves stretching, tearing and healing. We learned about love.

So would we do it again? Yes and no. More to come. Our story isn't over, but you'll just have to wait.